>Did I happen to mention yesterday that creating a pitch wasn’t all that easy? No? Hmmm … well it is. Trust me. It’s not that easy.
But imagine my surprise when I found myself working on a pitch that I liked! One even that spoke to me and worked its way into a query. A query that I like. That’s in a ‘voice’ rather than sounding stiff and functional like my old one. Go figure! There’s actually more to a pitch than I thought.
So if you haven’t already headed over to Slushbusters and taken a peak at all the pitches, I thought I’d be brave enough and post mine here. I’ll post the first one and the revised one.
But … I’m asking that you all tell me your thoughts. Does it work for you?
Pitch 1 …
Nathan Hanlin, a disillusioned pastor, denies the supernatural exists until he comes face to face with a demon. Confused, he turns to his older sister Rachel for help, only to find an old journal where Rachel has a secret she’s kept from him regarding his birth. Nathan must choose to either turn away from those who hurt him with their love or accept that sometimes love can be flawed.
ok … so admit it … it has it flaws. I didn’t like the last sentence but I was stuck …
Pitch 2 …
Nathan Hanlin, a disillusioned pastor, denies the existence of angels, or demons for that matter, until he meets one- a demon, that is. With everyone turning to him for answers, Nathan has to figure out why demons are here. Imagine his surprise when he finds out he’s the one responsible. Confused, he turns to his older sister Rachel for help, only to find an old journal where Rachel has a secret she’s kept regarding his birth. Torn, Nathan feels lost. The revelation of his birth combined with the supernatural powers battling it out in his town leaves Nathan with no where to run.
Hmmm, do you see the difference? I will admit, this second needs work as well, but I like it alot more. Plus when I worked it … it became a query.
So tell me … what do you think?