I have three beautiful daughters. It amazes me (and it shouldn’t) how unique they are, despite being so close in age. My youngest is only 8 but her character, her ‘uniqueness’ is starting to shine through. Funny how each child has certain aspects of me in them … really shouldn’t surprise me, but it does. For instance … while I would never admit that I’m a control freak (despite what my husband and friends all say), I will admit to like being in control of my situations. When an opportunity presents itself and I’m stepping into the unknown – I get a bit scared. When there is something outside of my own capability, something that I can’t fathom – I don’t like it. New adventures only excite me if I can see the road I’m taking.
My youngest is like that. She needs to know she can handle anything that comes her way. For instance … weather. Hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, tsunami …. she hears about them on the news and it scares her – rightly so. But instead of just saying they scare me, she needs to find out everything about them. She’ll ask questions over and over and over until she ‘understands’ it in her mind.
Right now she’s fixated on death. What does it feel like to die. What happens to us in the coffin. What happens to us after we die. Will we know we are dying. That type of stuff.
Last night she almost broke my heart. We were sitting on the couch reading and she stopped, looked me in the eyes and said she had a conversation with God. She asked him to do something for her, but she couldn’t tell me what. She said I would know when I get to heaven. She made me pinky promise to remind God about her wish.
It took me a bit, but I was able to get the wish out of her. My darling husband told her of a story about someone in his family who died on the operating table, saw the bright light, remembers heaven and then came back to his body because it wasn’t time for him to die. Well – this is her answer now to death. She asked God that if I or my hubby dies before her – that God will send us back to live with her.
I have tears in my eyes right now. The innocent wish of a child. I WISH I was able to save her this heartbreak, but I know it’s out of my hands.
Maybe I can have my own conversation with God.
“Dear God. I know you love me and you love my daughters too. Please, let us never have to experience the loss of each other until we are older and ready to understand what death means. A child should never have to experience losing a parent. Please never let my children go through. Amen.”